The Unforgiven

As he slipped out of his huge bed, he was feeling tired. Like always he had had a deep sort of drug induced sleep (B School seems so far away) that left him exhausted. He wanted to think about what he dreamt, but the big presentation he had to make bobbed its head over the out of the top of the deep well in which his work life lay after 5.30 p.m. everyday.

He found something interesting in the newspaper (that’s interesting) and walked towards his wife in the kitchen to relate the titbit. Her perfunctory laugh made it quite clear to him that it was high time he hauled his ass into their son’s room and got him ready for school instead of luxuriating in the folds of the newspaper. Unlike Saddam she had a stockpile of weapons (expressions and exclamations) that would deter him from loafing around in their small high-speed, deadline-timeline universe.

He was looking at his watch as his super expensive car was halted for 15 minutes in amidst the huge sea of cars all around him. He cussed at the state of traffic in the city just as he did when he first came to the garden city for his first job 10 years back. He realised almost immediately as if he was reacting to the narrator’s last sentence, that swearing over the infrastructure didn’t make any goddamned difference, it only got worse.

“The rate of increase of the city’s population outstripped the rate of expansion of the city’s transport infrastructure”, said the engineer from within his head who rarely got a chance to speak.

“Can’t we take the left, I think it’s a short cut to the flyover where traffic is lesser”, his wife enquired (enquired not instructed since she didn’t have the right information).

“No I don’t know where the road will lead to and what if the lane is too small, I don’t want to take a risk”, he said

As his eyes scanned the audience he was about to address, he flicked on the switch on the board that was there on the inner side of his forehead, each switch triggered a different persona, it was his foolproof secret. He was as his friend would say on autopilot: reeling of facts, figures and their interpretations with consummate ease, slipping in the odd foolproof joke as soon as the eyes of some listener where not with him, taking the listeners along with him and finally finishing it off with an understated correctness, that had the entire audience in his Hidesign bag as he zipped it and left the conference hall.

His boss (there were very few above him) asked him to share a smoke with him and on their way to the terrace told him that he was getting a raise and a special bonus for the deal he clinched in the afternoon. Raises were always tough because they made him think about what to buy.

Five-thirty p.m and he left the office to rush home and settle down with the book he was reading. There were few things in his life, which made it worth living, books, music and movies. On his way he remembered that his wife would be working late that day and so he stopped over at the supermarket, bought groceries, finished cooking and then cosily ensconced himself in the soft couch with his book. His son who had just finished his homework settled down beside him with his storybook.

After dinner, he was watching his wife getting ready for bed, he rose walked up to her and grabbed her and kissed her roughly .She liked it when he was domineering, he made love to her there itself, with a primeval sort of lust.

While she sank into sleep with an exhaustion that was always pleasant, she always told her friends, other than about his work at which my husband is very good, he is a very passionate person.

Unknown to her, he was sinking into his parallel universe: It was late evening, he was sitting with his friend and adding final touches to the new script they had written, the script writing session itself was cathartic. His wife came in with a tray carrying a couple of drinks and wearing her smile that always made him stretch his arm out and draw her into his lap.

“You always mix the drinks perfectly”, said his friend.

“So do I get the part I wanted in the movie?” she asked flashing her most winsome smile.

“ Well darling you have to give me bulk dates”, he said.

“I can work that out “, she said with the twinkle in her eyes.


As he slipped out of his huge bed, he was feeling tired. Like always he had had a deep sort of drug induced sleep (B School seems so far away) that left him exhausted, it was because he was working day and night.

Many years later as his son stood by his grave, he read the words on the tomb,

“It’s very easy to be good at what you are doing, what is important is doing what you are good at “


New blood joins this earth
And quikly he’s subdued
Through constant pain disgrace
The young boy learns their rules

With time the child draws in
This whipping boy done wrong
Deprived of all his thoughts
The young man struggles on and on he’s known
A vow unto his own
That never from this day
His will they’ll take away

What I’ve felt
What I’ve known
Never shined through in what I’ve shown
Never be
Never see
Won’t see what might have been

What I’ve felt
What I’ve known
Never shined through in what I’ve shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven

They dedicate their lives
To running all of his
He tries to please them all
This bitter man he is
Throughout his life the same
He’s battled constantly
This fight he cannot win
A tired man they see no longer cares
The old man then prepares
To die regretfully
That old man here is me

What I’ve felt
What I’ve known
Never shined through in what I’ve shown
Never be
Never see
Won’t see what might have been

What I’ve felt
What I’ve known
Never shined through in what I’ve shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven

You labeled me
I’ll label you
So I dub the unforgiven

The Thaw - A Short Story

What the heck dad, we stop for today. Come on, just because you’re having a good day and I’m not doesn’t mean we go on playing till eternity" said Vikrant, dripping with sweat, exasperated and with his hands on hips. Commander.Vishal Singh walked over to the other side of the TT table with a condescending smile put his hand around his son's shoulder and took him into the sauna.

Playing with dad at the Navy Club on weekends had become a ritual over the years for twenty-one year old Vikrant. The ritual consisting of a few hours of play followed by a refreshing sauna and then tea at the restaurant facing the seaside never seemed to lose its charm. As they drove to the restaurant Vicky could not but help imagining beating his dad the next weekend.

"Relax you will get used to losing by next week", said his dad, smiling as if on cue. He replied with a wry smile that seemed to say "Jus.... wait ol' man...". His dad was the most important person in his life. He looked up to him like kids looked up to their favorite film or sport star. At 47, Commander Vishal Singh was supremely fit and agile, the fact that he could still beat his son every odd weekend was testimony to the fact. Right from his childhood Vicky was used to hearing from relatives in the family about his striking resemblance to his father. As he grew up the likeness just increased. The only major difference was that at 6 feet two inches his dad was a couple of inches taller.

"What’s new in college, Vicky?” asked his dad sipping on his tea.

"Well placements are coming up in a month and I’m pretty keyed up about it" he replied chewing his brownie.

"Are you looking at any particular firm"

"Well, the usual suspects are coming visiting...Infosys, Wipro, TCS and stuff and since I’m a computer science grad I guess my chances are bright"

"Well... Kapoor uncle keh rahe the..ke Ravi....is planning to go to the U.S....aren’t u interested ????....If you want to pursue your studies further...that’s the place to go..."

"Well this may sound simplistic but going to U.S inevitably means ending up settling there. I have got one life dad and I cant live there...with u and maa alone here. When Ravi leaves uncle and aunty will at least have Ritu with them for a few more years."

"But what about your career, you know separation is but inevitable"

“Actually I’m not too keen on studying further either, I want to work for a few years and then set up my own software firm with a couple of friends. We have planned out a few things, lets see how things turn up”

“Chalo …...time to go home…” said his dad.

As they were driving back to their flat Commander Vishal Singh could not but take pride in his upbringing. Vicky was able to take the decisions about his future with conviction and he seemed have his priorities in life clear. He had named his son after the first aircraft carrier he had worked in-INS Vikrant.

As soon as they reached home his mom said it was grocery shopping time and Vicky took her to the nearest departmental store. Mom was kind of always part of his life and yet absent. She was like the behind the stage person in the family. She looked after the daily chores and the well being of the family effortlessly. She almost seemed to blend in with the furniture at times. She would constantly be busy in some work while Vicky and his dad would be busy discussing or arguing about one thing or the other. Though he loved his mom very much he was closer to his dad. Other than the fact they did not watch porn together… his dad and he were practically the best of friends. The fact Vicky did not have any siblings made the intimacy and warmth of his relationship with his dad even more plausible to his friends.

The next few months just breezed past. Placements resulted in him landing a job with Infosys and the last days at college were spent recapitulating the last four years and making resolutions to make it a point meet for sure at least at each guy's wedding given that many were flying off to the States. Farewell parties served as the platform for Vicky’s initiation into “spirit”ual life and like most beginners vodka became the drink with which he invoked Bacchus.

There were three months to join Infosys in Bangalore after he completed his graduation by the end of May. So he set off on a month long tour with his brat pack and back pack. This was followed by a trip to his native Punjab with his parents where he was showered with congratulations and blessings for being on his way to accomplishing the clichéd mission -Padh likh kar badha aadmi banna

*************************************

Vicky had just finished his final installment of shopping before he left for Bangalore in a couple of days and was on his way back home when he noticed their Maruti Zen at the traffic light. Dad was inside it. Vicky wanted to drive up to him but the scores of two wheelers between them did not allow him even the faintest chance. He would be lucky to cross the road when this signal turned green. Lucky he was and he just managed to cross before the light turned red again.

Surprisingly at the next crossroad his dad took the turn that would not take them homewards. Involuntarily he followed his dad, just curious to know where he was going. Due to the steady traffic he could catch up with his dad. Continuing to surprise him his dad turned into the gates of a swanky hotel as he was watching from behind. Almost automatically he went into the hotel, parked his vehicle and stealthily followed his dad. He did not even pause to think why he did not walk up to his dad. He saw his dad enter the coffee shop in the lobby of the hotel. The glass doors gave a good view of the interiors. A strangely uneasy feeling crept into him when his dad walked up and sat at a table where a lady of about thirty-two was sitting .He could see the lady’s face fairly well and he was sure that he had never seen her.

Umpteen questions were flooding his mind,” Who was this woman his dad was having coffee with”,” What are they talking about”,” What am I doing here and what am I supposed to do now”,” Do I just go back or…Caught in the turbulence in his mind he did not notice that his dad had got up and they were walking towards the door. He slowly managed to get out of their line of sight, but he could still see them. As they passed by him he could not help himself marvel at the woman's pulchritude. This only added to the maze of emotions going through his mind. Controlled by some inexplicable force he decided to stalk his dad. His dad just walked up to the reception counter and collected the keys while the woman took the lift. He continued his chase and took the stairs while his dad took the other lift. On the third floor he saw his dad at the end of the corridor opening the door to a room; the lady was beside him.

How he drove back home he did not know. It was a like numbing down for a moment. Though he told himself that he shouldn’t jump to conclusions he could not but help seeing his whole world crumbling around him. Could God sin? Pain, anger, despair, self -reproach and anguish, a whirlpool of emotions sucked him in. His mind and head were screaming.

He walked into his room, his expressionless face belying the raging within. A perfunctory answer to his mom and he locked himself up. He sank into sleep amidst his own tears. He got up at 11 p.m and the events of the evening came back to him in a flash. He opened the door and walked into the drawing room and his dad looked up from the magazine.

“Tired from all the shopping huh? Wash your face and ill serve you dinner, mom is already asleep”

As he was washing from his face he knew he could not look at his dad for more than a few seconds without losing his calm nor would it take his dad more than a few seconds to figure out that something was terribly wrong.

He slowly dried his face and as he took off his towel he caught the eyes of his dad who was serving the food onto a plate.

”Who was the woman… dad?”

The expression on his dad’s face changed within the space of a few seconds from bewilderment to comprehension to one of poise.

“She was a prostitute”

As he stood motionless in front of his dad he felt that after the one line that his father had uttered he had become a stranger to him. The worst fear that was lurking in the recesses of his mind had come true. How could his life that was pleasant until eight hours ago change so drastically? How could the person whom he almost worshipped betray his faith? Out of the blue the image of his mother cooking flashed on his inward eye.

“Why…dad?”

“I never thought it would come to this …but you are old enough and you should know the truth and then…do whatever you wish…”

Vicky just stood there puzzled more than ever

“ Your mom is frigid…………….”


*************************************


As he stepped onto the platform of Bangalore railway station on the early hours of Saturday he realized that the climate was colder and it was just the first week of August. He walked on, his face expressionless, it was as if he was oblivious to his surroundings, like everything else was at standstill and he was the only one moving.
He moved into the flat his company had arranged for him. He had to report on Monday so with two days to himself he felt empty. He wanted to immerse himself in work a.s.a.p.

The food he was eating was good .It was the usual thali with a special Saturday curry. His thoughts returned to the events of that fateful day. After informing him of his mom’s condition his dad left him saying ”Khaana khaa lena beta”

He thought of a movie he had seen, “The Good Mother”, where Diane Keaton had played a frigid lady in an unhappy marriage. He had always though of these things as biological or psychological things that happened to someone else, not to someone in his own family. He could not understand his feelings towards his dad. He was not angry anymore but it was as if everything had changed permanently, like an accident disfiguring someone for life. He did not speak much to his dad and he tried his best not to show anything to his mom.


Four months had passed by and the winter had set in for good. Vicky was not used to such cold weather, he was always in warmer climes. The cold wind that blew across the streets touched his bones when he went out to have his dinner. His face was still expressionless. He went to his office, worked till 9.pm, grabbed dinner and then worked at his flat and fell asleep .He had transformed from a bubbling enthusiastic youngster into a taciturn brooding individual. As much as he had changed, he had realized he wanted to lift himself out of his gloom but seemed unable to. He wished if God or someone like him would give him back his life…or rather his lust for life. Dad would ring up once a week and the conversations had got only faintly better. He knew his dad was trying but it was as if all the warmth had evaporated all of a sudden.


*************************************



One weekend around 10 p.m Vicky was walking back after his dinner into his apartment complex when he passed by a young woman who was standing in the cellar soaking and seeking shelter from the rain that was pouring down. Just at the moment he had passed her, he looked at her again.

“I have seen you somewhere??”

“The double take was good but the line spoiled it all…don’t you think it’s a bit too clichéd?”

“You work in the floor below mine at Infosys…I remember seeing you in the canteen”

“Oh!! So contrary to expectations you are not mute and you are aware of your surroundings too”

“Why do you say so?” he asked perplexed

“Well I haven’t seen you open your mouth for a purpose other than eating and I haven’t seen your eyes move anywhere from your plate”

With the hint of a smile Vicky said” I live here, care a for a cup of coffee…coz the rain doesn’t look like subsiding”

“Well…since you use the most clichéd lines with utmost regularity… I guess your not the weirdo I thought are…errr okay…coffee is fine…but please come up with some better lines at least to keep me interested”

“The lift is this way…by the way why should I be the one keeping u interested by coming up with good lines ……why can’t u do it…its damn convenient for women to put the responsibility on men…we are supposed to be funny, talented…blah blah…you keep me interested for half hour over coffee and I’ll take you out for dinner tomorrow.”

“Hmm…smart bet..smart ass…”

*************************************


“So are you vegetarian Ms.Rao?

“Don’t call me Ms. Rao, its irritating to the hilt, you will lose all the brownie points you have won so far… Well I eat anything that’s cooked well”

“I bite anything that doesn’t bite me back….”

“Hmmm interesting ……you continue to impress”

“ The pleasure is all mine”


*************************************



It was like the dark clouds that hung over the horizon of his mind had lifted. Vineetha… Vini as he called her had come into his life like the proverbial whiff of fresh air. The first three months of their courtship flew away breezily. They would talk for hours endlessly and never seemed to get tired of it. Movies, music, gossip, and books they seemed to have opinion generating discussions on everything. His favourite topic was how he would tame her tiger (she refereed to her dad as “mera tiger”).

They never felt the need to use words to express their feelings for each other. For Vini it was as if he had become her second family, she was a localite and for him almost his only family. His family ties had stayed frosty. The vacuum in his life was more than filled.

One night after a dinner date Vicky asked casually ”Care for a nightcap madam.”

“Well monsieur….moi have to go home”

“C’mon…..your tiger is out of station for the first time since we met…you told me you are good at cooking ,now cook up a story for your mom…”

“Well you have already bored me for the past few hours…you better have something interesting planned or else this will be your last nightcap”

They reached his flat and they flopped on to his sofa.

“Soooo???….” said Vini with a mischievous smile and a slow and elongated verve…

“Your eyes are beautiful…”

“Aaah!!! Cliché again…the dim lights are fine…but to get me into your bed you must do better misterrrrrrrr”

“What the heck ….you talk too much….”

With a swift move he sealed her lips with his. They had kissed before but this time both of them knew that it would be more than just a kiss. She was uncharacteristically tense. He could sense it by the quivering of her lips .The kiss lasted for some length of time. He slowly broke away and said James Bondishly (God save the Queen’s English) ”You know I’m sort of traditional, so we’ll leave the sofa for the morrow, let’s go inside…”

“Good line Mr. Singh, I see you are capable of rising to the occasion”

Those were the last words that were spoken for quite a few hours. They were entwined in what they felt was an expression of the deepest and purest feelings they felt for each other. He lay panting on top of her looking into her eyes and with the utmost tenderness gently kissed her. The first warm rays of the sun in months waltzed through the curtain and fell on Vicky’s face. He opened his eyes and turned his eyes to find her sleeping in bliss. He had never felt more calm and serene in his life. His thoughts suddenly returned to his dad.

He could not imagine that his dad had lived his entire life without ever experiencing what he felt last night and lay in his bed thinking. Russell once said sex without love is like having sex neat, that is divorced from companionship, imagine… love without making love would be like…. having just water, without the spirit that lifts one higher.

Vini opened her eyes and found him gazing at the sky through the window,” What are you thinking” she asked.

“Well ma’am I’m going home to speak to my ol’ man about burying some demons and taming a tiger and by the way don’t you think the sofa is more comfortable….”


*************************************

I want to "MarryYouAnna"-A Short Story

Shree was feeling really fresh and vibrant since he woke up early on that eventful day.His coaching classes for French were starting that day and had hence he got up at five fifteen.Unused to waking up so early in his past hree years at the hostel,he had never really savoured the joys of sunrise.Twas the tenth of October and the weather was heavenly.The faintly cold wind that was blowing and the partly grey skies were hinting at the possibility of rain but were not threatening enough to keep poeple indoors.

The thought that comes to every 20 year old's mind when he drives his bike in such a pleasant atmosphere with the wind in his hair ,came to Shree too"How wonderful twud have been if I had someone special with whom I could share this moment of bliss".The thought just added to the overall joy of the moment.

He uncharacteristically arrived about 10 minutes before time.The whole class room and the office was empty, there was only one peon who opened the classroom and disappeared .He stood humming in the corridoor facing the road......................As he just strolled the length of the corridoor and turned back, he saw a girl parking her Kinetic with her back towards him.All he could do was stare at her lustrous hair which was dark hue of brown.Twas as if microseconds were passing by in slow motion.Then she turned and that was the moment.He inadvertantly let out a gasp .Her face was angelic.As she walked across the road to climb the stairs he did not even bat his eyelids.He was feeling the same way a wildlife photographer would feel at seeing a viriginal rain forest.He could not but help remembering a line from American Beauty -"Sometimes i feel there is so much beauty in this world that i just cannot take it"

Within a flash she was walking towards him ...He braced himself .....Something inside him was shouting "Carpe Diem"............

"Are you in the new 6 to 8 a. m batch".

Shree:"Yes"

"Could you please show me the classroom"

Shree:"Sure"......They walk in a single file( the corridor was small).As they face the door ....

Shree:"Im Shree ...Shridharan Menon...."

"..I am Anna ....Marianne Thomas"

They move in and she places her books beside his.They move out in to the corridoor and exchange academic ,geographic and irrelevant information about each other.She was an Arts student doing her final year in a prominent college in the city.She was pleasantly surprised to hear that an engineer who is about to graduate should be interested in French.He should have been preparing to go to the U.S as is the wont of most engineers ,she said smiling gently.They were hardly a couple of minutes into the conversation that other students start coming in.They soon move in and are seated beside each other in the class.The lecture starts and Shree cant seem to take his mind of Anna.

All he wanted to do was look at her.Her sparkling eyes and that mischevious smile that was flirtatious and innocent at the same time.His mind was dreaming in fast forward about all the possibilities, about what he would or rather should say next.He was thinking of lonely roads lined with trees somewhere in Europe .She would be walking and he would walking backwards facing her and singing to her.Could she be "The One".He wanted to know everything about her..

Anna was thinking of Shree too.He was about five feet nine ,wheatish ,had reasonable good looks ,a disarming smile and a charming disposition.Twud be interesting to know him.

They go through the motions in the class oblivious of most things except the changing weather outside.The clouds had slowly changed from a benign grey to an ominous black.The class ends at 8 p.m and it starts pouring down.Both of them look at each other in way they themselves cant comprehend.

Unobtrusively ..it was as if it was choroeographed.. they move into a cosy corner in the corridoor and watch the rain.It rains for about half an hour.. and they talk.It seems as if the Gods had conspired to get them together.They talk everything from life to , books to future plans and family.In a moment of silence they realise that the rain has stopped and they have to get back.


As they part and go they respective ways they feel the same .Like life has all of a sudden opened up something new for them.A whole new world inside them.It rains the whole day and neither of them attend their classes.Shree could have attened his lectures, his classroom is just a few blocks away from his hostel.But he decides that the weather is for lying on the bed ..all doors and window opened ..listening to music and dreaming about..........Anna .

Life goes on like dream .They meet daily for the next few weeks and the more they know each other the more they feel that they are right for each other.Over innumerable Cafe Mocha's they see shades of themsleves in each other .There was so much shared in their heads that nothing left to be said about their feelings for each other.

One evening as he drops her home at around 8 .pm.She asks him to come in as her parents are not at home.She shows him her room and goes about showing photographs of her parents and friends.they are sitting on the bed . As she gets saying she will get him something to drink ,he holds her hand.He stands draws her close to him and looks into says "I love you....more than love i respect you ...as a person ....".She sees truth in his eyes.....He sees beauty in hers...And as their lips move towards each other their eyelids close slowly and softly.The touch of their lips is magical.After the first touch, his lips linger on hers for a moment.Slowly they his hands move around her waist and they lips say to each other what their hearts have been longing to.

He draws his lips gently away fom hers after a kiss which seemed to last for an eternity and memories from their first meeting to this point ,flash before their eyes.

He says" I want to marry you Anna".

She looks at him and smiles .A smile that obviated the need for words.He smiles back.Time freezes .Her smile freezes. Tis like things have come to stand still.Imagine rain drops freezing midway.........

He is smiling... He is sweating.....Beads of sweat gather around his neck.The sun is shining onto his face through the curtain.His eyes open,blinking trying to avoid the sunlight.He loooks at the wall clock .Its three in the afternoon.He wakes up.

Its Thursday.He had slept at five in the evening on Tuesday.He takes bath and then has something to eat.

Tis Friday evening and he has nothing much to do.The top drawer on his shelf that he avoided for since waking up Thursday, was calling him.He opens it and takes out a pouch.He takes some stuff and carefully stuffs it into a cigarette from which he has emptied the tobacco.As he takes takes the first puff he remembers his friend asking him"Why do you dope".He had just smiled and walked away.

How would he explain why???.............He takes another puff...He says to himself while smiling gently"I want to 'marryyouanna' " ...... "i want to marijuana"...He slowly flops onto his bed.....since he started doping, life alternated between Utopia in his dreams where he always found love.....and moments of mundane reality .

He is slowly sinking into Utopia. He is standing at a bus stop and then he sees her crossing the road.....Twas as if time froze...........Her cuter than cute face and short smooth hair .......were too hard not to notice..She walks towards him and says "Has the 8.30 bus left?"